Last week I met a man through an online dating site, and we decided to meet for lunch to see if we had a connection.
He was very open, charming, and he took an interest in my part-time business as a relationship coach. Yes, he asked several unique questions about the female psyche and how a woman thinks when she first meets a man. However, after we talked serious and laughed about the many aspects of a relationship, he asked me a mind-blowing question.
He said, “Would you like to know what a man wants, and what his secrets are for attracting a woman through an online dating site?”
Okay, so after I took two deep breaths, and realized that whatever his secrets were I had most assuredly fallen for them or I wouldn’t be having lunch with him.
I said, “Sure, tell me.” So, this is his story, although he’s asked to remain anonymous for obvious reasons.
He told me that generally, he’s discovered that most women are terrified when they first meet a man in person after getting to know him online in an invisible and non-committal atmosphere, if you will.
He said the majority of women confess to him that they’re scared due to identity concerns, or concerns about their safety. Several women he met for the first time actually turned out to be former girlfriends using an alias name or bogus residential zip code. Yes, he said, that was embarrassing, but funny at the same time.
Regarding the safety factor, most of the women he met admitted to not wanting to hook up with a man who could or might intentionally hurt them physically. Yes, he said, they have a right to be extremely cautious and careful. That’s a wise fear and concern, and that’s also why he never suggests picking them up for a date. Rather, he plans a daytime meeting where both persons plan their transportation to the meeting spot.
He said it’s important for an honorable man (a good-intentioned man) to be patient once he meets her. He advises that a man should not press his new acquaintance for personal information such as the address to where she lives, works, or her daily routines. He said that since he doesn’t ask those types of questions, he’s discovered that the woman will volunteer that information openly…to which he puts up his hand and tells her that’s too much information, too early, since she doesn’t know him. It’s like he is training her not to reveal too much personal information about herself, regardless if this is a first date or a second date.
From the woman’s perspective, I thought this was quite charming. Perhaps other women will view this as illusive or insulting, but at the end of the day, this man is a caring and honorable man…or so he appears initially.
Not the least bit judgmental, I wait for him to continue.
He says that there are many men online, and some of which are his co-workers, who are just looking for “THE” girl to spend their lives with, and they’re taking their time. He added that, “When a man is ready, he’s ready.” He doesn’t want to go another six months without finding his ideal match. He knows what he wants, and like a woman, his “clock” is ticking. He wants to make a commitment to a worthy woman who wants to spend her life with him. Yet, as he speaks, he’s not coming off as cocky and disrespectful. He just says it the way it is.
Several times during our talk, he emphasized how important it is to let the woman set the pace. He said men MUST be patient, and they must keep the conversations light and fun until that time comes when the man discerns that it’s time to meet her or if he gets the signal to move on.
He said it’s absolutely mandatory that both the man and the woman be honest about their physical appearance and their careers before they meet. He said it’s most important not to rush a woman into setting up an in-person meeting. Otherwise, the man will be seen as desperate, a pervert, or a player.
It’s all about patience, he said. But then he coyly grinned and said it’s also about the challenge and the chase. Yet he clarified his statement by saying that it wasn’t a game…just that men always want what they can’t have. And the longer they have to go into the waiting game to get what they want is part of the intrigue. Yet, he did say there’s a limit as to how long a man will wait, especially when his “clock” is ticking.
Then he brought up the subject about the importance of being honest if a man is truly looking for a life partner. He told me that a good relationship has to be built on trust and honesty. He said that if he catches a woman in a lie, he confronts her, and that’s the end of the relationship. (Oh, wow, a man with boundaries!)
He said that lies and deceptions will always be discovered, and the sooner you can establish that a woman is being honest with you, the better.
Next, he expressed the same thing that most women talk about with their friends, and that’s about the photos that people upload onto online dating sites. We laughed over that comment, and exchanged stories about meeting a much older man or woman in person who must have displayed a picture of themselves 20 years earlier. We agreed that was the surest way to not even spend time over lunch, since the person had lied from the outset. End of date. NEXT!
He suggested posting current pictures of yourself doing everyday activities so the online viewer could get a sense of the other person’s interests and passions, as well as seeing them in a natural setting. Most notably, he said not to just include a head shot. Not to be misinterpreted, he added that if you’re not ashamed of who you are, and you really do want to meet that person, then provide a full body photo. (I get that, and I had to agree with him.) If you had to take your own photo using your cell phone, it would also indicate that you don’t have any friends who could take a picture of you–full-length.
Again, we laughed about those photos that had been intentionally altered to exclude part of a “couple” photo where one person in the photo was chopped off. I’m sure you’ve seen those, right?
Finally, he added that his last secret was to agree upon meeting in a public place (like we had done), during daylight hours (which we had also done), and that you wear whatever you’re comfortable wearing. He said he wouldn’t intentionally go out to buy dress slacks or a new shirt just to meet a woman for the first time.
At the end of our lunch date, he asked if he could see me again. I sort of had the feeling that he was revealing another one of his secrets which was to establish how the date had gone, and if both people mutually agreed that it was safe to meet again. And yes, he did make me feel safe. And yes, I did agree to meet him again.